Finding Alyssa

That One Special Guy

LOL, this is a poem I made in my 9th grade writing class about my boyfriend during that time. It’s not that great…. but I think it’s kinda cute.

That One Special Guy

I wanted just one guy,
to show he’s not the same,
As every other player,
with the same hurtful game.

Just one guy to show me,
Things others don’t,
To trat me in a way,
That other guys won’t.

To hold me when I cry,
and wipe away my tear,
To assure me when I’m afraid,
to take away my fear.

To be the one and only reason,
for the smile upon my face,
to kiss me so sweetly,
that my heart starts to race. 

You don’t wipe away my tears,
because now I don’t cry,
Because I found you,
that one special guy.

I don’t have any fears,
because in your arms I lay, 
any thing that scared me once,
has now gone away.

I never quite imagined,
that guy could’ve been you.
That when you said you liked me,
your words were actually true.

You are the one guy,
that actually made made me see,
That what you’re looking for,
is really just me. 

This fucking sucks.

My gosh, it hurts that no one will sit with me at the senior consecration because of my ex. Even after I asked if they can.

They’ll be going to his house tonight for Kelsey’s graduation party anyways………. I don’t see why can’t one of them can sit with me at least for one hour. I’m honestly ridiculously sad about it. I just feel so unwanted lately… :(

I absolutely HATE guys who makes love into a game.

They play this chase and once they get the girl, what do they do now? They run as fast as they can to get away from the sticky situation they got themselves into.

It upsets me because I’ve been through this and has seen it happen countless times to other girls. The scariest fear for a girl while talking to a guy is that guys see whatever they have with her as a game and be like… “Oh, I won.” It’s just so frightening for me because I’m the type of person who comes out of their comfort zone to really pursue someone. I like to think that you either fall in love or you don’t. 

I just wish no one would see this as a competition because in the end, I don’t want to be the prize. I don’t want to be the game. I just hope I find a guy who won’t manipulate my feelings, has the right intentions, and who will compete, in a sense, by putting his best foot forward. 

Divorce

I’m spending my first weekend at my dad’s house and right now is the moment I realized that I will never grow out of being a kid with divorced parents. With separated parents, sometimes I rather be with one than the other… But when I realize I’m not happy with this settlement I can’t help but miss the times when my whole family was happy together. 

Growing up, I NEVER imagined myself to be one of those kids who always talked about their divorce parents… But I’m so sick and tired of my parents snide remarks about each other to me. I’m starting to believe that love doesn’t last forever. Twenty years and all my parents have to show is three kids and divorce papers. My biggest fear is marrying someone and somewhere down the road we fall out of love and end up hating each other (just like my parents). I’m afraid I will fall into their very same cycle and wake up one day, next to the person I created a future with, and realize the soul staring back at me is the same person who raised me.

All I can hope now is that days get better and somewhere in the future I find someone I can trust and who truly loves me.

Dear Future Husband,

Divorce will never be a option. We won’t even talk about it, except to tell each other that it will never happen. There will be times that we will be so mad at each other that we’ll want to do it, but I won’t ever let you go. I’ve searched and waited for too long to lose you. I promise you that I will fail at many things, but this will not be one of them. I cannot keep this promise alone, but our love and God’s love will be the strength that will hold this promise together.

I couldn’t wait to tell him that I was absolutely completely falling in love with him. Now that I know all of it was fake, I’m scared to not only trust him, but any guy. He’s the one who changed my view on love in the most horrible way and I don’t know how to fix it. Before I met him I didn’t think anyone could truly love me after knowing the real me, and when I thought he did I knew I had it in me to love again….. and now that I learned it was all a lie I’m not such what to think.

I think, I know this should end…

Alyssa just face it, this time isn’t any different.

I’m so stuck right now.

I feel so lost and confused right now… and I just don’t know what to do anymore :(